Christmas time is here

Merry Christmas, friends.

I love you all so much! Hope your Christmas is so wonderful!

A Melody in my head that I can't keep out

Hola everybody! Don't know where i've been the past few weeks. Wherever it was it was obviously a place where I couldn't update my blog. Because..oops! Haven't been very good at that.

There really isn't much going on in my life right now. Pretty low-key and relaxing. Sometimes on the verge of boring but thats what being snowed-in in an already boring town can do to you!

Started/finishing filming for "The Big Idea" with the OhGood boys yesterday. The shoot went really well. 7 hour day! Yeesh. I'm still playing with the idea of being a film actor.. I like the idea. I think its all really interesting. However, I really have yet to fully jump into a character as I do on the stage. It's so so SO difficult to be in a character for 8 seconds and then hear cut than it is to stay in one for an hour and a half. Also, i'm super hypercritical. So whenever I see footage of me played back, I never like it. I guess thats why some of the big leagues never watch their films.. it makes sense to me.

Still trying to find New Years plans. No clue what they could be. Supposed to go to Wintergreen for a skiing weekend with some friends from school but the house (that NEVER gets rented!) is rented over New Years. Searching desperately for a plan B. Help out if you can..

Going to Busch Gardens today for Christmastown! Originally I was supposed to go and see Jason since its in the middle of us, but now my whole family wants to go. Wish him luck!

Thats all for now. Merry Christmas! Hope its wondahful!

And you hiding behind your camera

Quick thought:

What is it with our fascination about performing real life? So many times we, as actors, try to portray real life so accurately. We scrutinize reality to try to mimic it for the stage, or screen. But why can't we just live our lives. Not analyzing but living. When can we forget how to copy, and start really being.

She says you're a masochist for falling for me

Hello friends.

Haven't quite updated in a long time. I've been busy. Oh thats not true. I had all of thanksgiving break but.. okay really there's no excuse. Take my apology, please.

Othello was a blur. I can't believe its over. I feel like I might have been the lone person who was sad to see it go. Everyone was kind of over it. But I loved it. It was the first time that I could shine. And I feel like I did.

I made another show for next semester! Yep another "rehearse all semester for a show at the end of the semester" show. Two shows my sophomore year. Tied for last year. If you can say that really..

Break was fun. It was fun being with my family but I always kind of turn into this odd person I don't recognize with my family. I mean I have fun but i'm the baby. So.. i'm not really included. So I slink off every now and then. Take a long bathroom break just to sit by myself. Its odd. But I can't really help it. It's kind of how i've always been

School is great. I love it. I've missed it. Home was kind of boring besides crazy family time. The routine of school is just so nice. Its familiar but unpredictable. Its my family away from family. I love it here. And things.. are really great in that department that is :)

I'm not thinking about the end of the next two weeks. I just.. don't want to think of it. It'll come. I'll prepare as much or as little as possible. But I'm going to just.. relax. For now.

Nostalgia choking sight

Got bored in class today and started looking at my old AOL emails and Gmail Emails. Found some stuff that made me smile. Found some stuff that made me cry. It was very interesting.

I've realized how much I've changed.

I've realized how much I haven't changed.

Since college I've thought that the high school friends were the "petty" relationships. They were superficial and not real. But, I think i've proved myself wrong. I love my college friends/family. They're wonderful. But they don't know me like my home friends do (all three of them..). They don't know my family. My house. How theres NOTHING to do in Short Pump. I mean.. I can create new stuff with them.. but its not the same. I think I got things mixed up..

I also saw a lot more exboyfriend stuff than I wanted to. Really good/cute things. And then the awful. I got really uncomfortable when I read that one.

I saw friends who I haven't thought of in years. I remembered words I used to say. Things I used to think about. I feel like the past was so solid. I feel very shaky about the present. But is that how it works? The present is unbalanced until its the past? Then it firms and hardens?

Haha the best was one chat conversation in which I liked four boys at once. That was my delimma. HAH!

Time to go act. Shows almost done. VERY sweet/sour. The good thing is I got cast in Dark Play for next semester :) that makes me very very happy.

I might update with more thoughts on the past..

I will take the chain from off the door

I have the worst timing.. ever.

Always and forever.

Show opens tomorrow. Here goes nothing..

Look to her Moor

Six hours of doing...nothing.

I'm called for Tech but... considering we've spent six hours and we're not even into Act 2? Don't need to be here. I won't be doing ANYTHING on stage tonight.

I mean.. I guess I wouldn't really be doing anything else anyway. Just laying around. Sleeping. Watching movies. But still.. i'd rather be on my couch than in a theatre where i'm forced to lay down in the hallway.

I'm watching Shakespeare in love. I keep smiling through it. For many reasons. Billy and I have really had a great semester together. Considering i'm doing Othello, learned a shakesperian monologue and scene for ipi and now am watching this.. we're really close.

I guess i'll go back to...sleeping? Watching a movie. Ugh.

If I ever leave this world alive

I keep researching. Right and left. Every chance I get on the computer, I research. I'm waiting. Just waiting. To get on the plane with my overpacked suitcase and iPod. Nervous but excited. Leaving my mom crying behind reminding me to call with the calling card.

I know it's going to happen. Its just the waiting thats killing me.

Check off check off

Its all about lists..

I'm a visual learner/thinker. I can see things and remember them much better than hearing/doing them. So naturally, i'm a list maker.

But I'm getting frustrated. I feel like i'm always constantly trying to check off things on my list. Its like this manic feeling of trying to get the all checked off but I can't. Ever. Its impossible. If i'm done with one thing of homework, I have to catch up on a TV show. I mean.. its not all bad stuff. But.. when am I ever going to NOT have a list?

But it made me think of you

First hit of pain today. I knew it was gonna come. It wasn't terribly bad. Just a poor chance of a shuffled song on my newly found iPod. It came on and then I smiled. And then it faded. I saw myself sink from an outside point of view. It was strange. I'm fine now. Just wasn't expecting to feel pain. I guess its about time, right?

Besides that i'm staying very busy. Halloween weekend was a ball. Thursday night game was a shitshow. Both on the feild and personally for me. Drunkest I've ever been. Up til Friday night that is.

Our party was a success! I think everyone had fun and though I got sick for the first time EVER.. I think it was worth it. I have a billion cute pictures and the parts I remember were wonderful.

I was telling Patty the other day that I got that "thing". I can't explain it. Its that thing in acting where you're just.. in it. You're totally there. I haven't gotten in in about a year because I haven't really had a part, persay, that would allow me to get it. Maybe I got a hint of it in my Plab scene but I haven't gotten it like this in a long time. I did my death scene last night and I was definitely in it. Totally there. I know I was because at the end I felt exhausted, tired, drained. Thats a good feeling. I hope it continues. I've just gotta watch my voice.. its leaving me.

Tech weekend this weekend. Shakespeare scenes due today. Final renderings on Friday. Revisited floorplan and perspective on Monday. Two parties this weekend. Gahh.

I think I'll get through it. I've been getting really good sleep.. so thats good.

Off to be all buddy buddy with Billy Shakespeare again. We have really bonded this semester.

Makes me crinkle my nose

I've been smiling so much lately. Little things. I took a bike ride and just feeling the breeze and looking at the horizon that still takes my breath away made me smile like crazy.

This week went by incredibly slowly. I have a lot to do this week. Tests, quizzes, projects, thursday night game, Henderson opening stuff, halloween party, early saturday classes, real halloween. Its so much isn't it?

I really should get a move on studying. Too bad I have dlab up the wazooo.

I'm still just smiling. I keep watching movies. More and more everyday. I cannot get enough. It really makes me think about my future. I could see myself acting in movies. But can I see my self succeeding? Can I see myself as a "moviestar"? I don't know. All I know is I love what I do... that should be all that matters.

Time to Dlab my life away.

Busy is as busy does

I don't even know what that title means. It just sounded intelligent and witty.

I'm so busy I don't even have time to do my laundry. Or go grocery shopping. Or do any basic necessities.

I'm just going going going going.. not really going anywhere. Just moving. Forward, but stationary. Still here but going there. Where next?

Everything is as new as it seems

Just a quick update while i'm doing dlab...

I'm doing well.. really. I wasn't. But now I am.

I feel like i'm behind.. you know? I feel like I somehow missed out on this part of college for so long that now I don't know how to play again.

It's odd.

Needa step up to the plate, I suppose.

Back to designing my friendddddd

Groovy groovy jazzy funky

Not much to say.. surprisingly.

I'm only updating because I feel like I should. Alex demanded it and I guess... I should have a lot to say.. but I don't.

I still feel the way I felt. I know I did the right thing here, but I feel like something is gonna hit me hard. This went too easy. It was too.. normal. Sure we cried.. but that was it. A few times.. a few kisses and then we were onto laughing and ultimately said goodbye. I feel like it shouldn't go that way. Why didn't we explode at eachother about the things that pissed us off? Or why didn't he bring up the disfunctional things in the relationship? It was.. sad.. but good. Breakups aren't supposed to be like that. When is karma gonna hit me in the face for that being too normal?

We'll see what happens. I've been thinking about this for a while it'll be interesting to see what my life really is like without him.

I took it off facebook today. Just took it off. No "relationship status: single" just.. gone. Wonder if anyone will notice..

My bed feels nice. Really nice. But everything in my world is a little bit different now..

The more $$ we come across the mo' problems we see

The title song just came on in Deets.

Sitting, waiting for Kerry. Just finished my MWF classes for the week. No class friday :)

Have audition tonight! AH! I'm actually not nervous at all. I don't know why but I feel very relaxed. I'm doing well with learning my monologue and there's really nothing else I can do right? I mean the rest of the audition is "movement" work. Whatever that means.

My stomach has reallyyyy been bugging me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been training for beerfest and therefore drank beer EVERY night this week. Maybe I have a weird eating pattern now that rehearsals are occupying my normal dinner hours. I have no idea. Regardless.. I really have no desire to eat. And when I do.. my stomach dosent like it.

I'm still not used to my keyboard-y phone. I suck at keyboarding already. Its terrible.

I have no real interesting or philosophical ideas to write about today. Just a normal day. Relaxing. Going to class (although I skipped music theory yesterday. I think it's a little irresponsible to skip the class i'm doing WORST in..), going to rehearsal, everything.

I want to meet new people. I want to be indulged in a place where I can reinvent myself. Not that I'm unhappy with how I am.. or how people think of me.. but I just want to restart. I think everyone needs a little reboot every now and then. However, I want this to be a big reboot.

Ireland, prepare for me.

Diggity dog dig this

Okay I'm getting all philosophic all of the sudden but..

I think the reason that older people go through mid-life crises and are all emotionally effed up is because they never did what they fully wanted to when they were younger.

I'm being selfish and doing exactly what I want to do. Because I feel like if I don't..I won't ever be able to live like I can.

Thats all. Just brain blurbs.

So Kiss me and smile for me

From a very VERY young age, I've always wanted to be in love. My YaiYai loved watching old Cary Grant movies where the woman was always dressed to the nines and the movie ended so happily with that extra-long last kiss. When I got little crushes in elementary or middle school, I always claimed I was IN love. Thought I will admit I was.. a bit boy crazy.. I think that sparked from the fact that I wanted to be in love so badly.

This will not be a blog about how lucky I am that I'm in love. Yes, its true, I am. Or I believe I am at least. Who can ever be so sure? Theres no set standards of love or emotions. But in my heart, I do think that I am in love. But this is besides the point..

My point is this. I do not regret one thing thats happend in my love life but.. I never allowed myself the opportunity to NOT be in love. I was always seeking a relationship or a boy to latch onto for a few weeks. I was always looking. As independent as I feel I am, I felt more content and together with a boy that I could call my own. I was the "long-term" girl. I didn't think I was until I looked behind me and saw that the majority of my highschool (I think 72% of it.. I came up with) I was in a relationship. Now not everyone is the same.. of course. There was the first, the serious, the crazy, the cheating, the emotionally unavailable, the too easy, the too scared- everything. But for that much of my time, my name was not isolated alone. It was always myself and "boy-of-the-moment."

I haven't changed much at all. This is just a relization. I'm a firm supporter of love and the idea that love can heal all.. but what if that's not the only option. What if all those deluded cheesy movies made me into a person who I was never supposed to be.

My best friend has not been with a guy for a little over a year now and she's so content. She doesn't look..and if something happens she ususally decides its not the right time in her life to be with someone. I admire her because, she can be without another being. I'm not entirely sure I can. I'm a spirited, firey outgoing person but without that title of boyfriend, would I be?

These are all just thoughts. Maybe I could be something different without always having to depend on love. Maybe I could be perfectly content living my life in my career and passions and just find great nice guys to have fun with.

However, that is not me. It never has been. There may come a day when I realize thats the path for me.. but I highly doubt it.

So hello.. my name is Alexis.. and I am a relationship-a-holic.

This is definitely not a Nashville party

Everyone is getting sick and sadly, I'm falling into that as well. The seasonal hack cough is circulating and I find myself coughing/sneezing into my elbow more often than not. Thanks Miss Sharon for telling me to cough there. I'm sure I've saved people diseases by it.

I'm sitting in music theory right now. I hate this class. With a pretty high passion. I'm doing horrible and my teacher is difficult. Nice guy. Pretty funny. Probably shouldn't teach.

Going home this weekend for the state fair and to hang with the family. Nothing feels more like home than the State Fair of Virginia. It reeks class.

Partying more on the weekday than the weekend. Compensation or addiction? You decide.

I want rehearsals to really pick up. I'm tired of line-thrus and boring blocking i'm not apart of. Lets gooo Othellooooo.

Okay my teacher just put on an Irish Madrigal song. This is sick. I love this shit. Mann why does he make me want to like him so much?

I'm just people watching the other people watching me

I want to get my nose peirced. I think it would look cute. I'm going today with Laura to get her tattoo and I know I'm gonna walk in there and want a peircing or tattoo. Its bad for meee...

Unsettling feelings lately. Just have to re-evaluate things. Not sure what will come of it at all. I guess.. let the road lead me there?

Unfortunately, I'm about to literally walk down a road to a tattoo parlor. Bad idea, huh?

Things just need to be settled. I feel like thats all I write about. Settle things.. change things.. howbout I make up my gd mind.

Must call mom. Must study for human development. Must not get a nosering while i'm in a show. Must clean kitchen. Must take out trash. Must get organized and get my head straight.

I must I must.

Hey baby babyyy

I am with the same group of people on the weekdays, weeknights, weekends and weekend nights.

And I have absolutely positively no problem with that at all.

In fact, I love it.

haHA!

Born by the weather and the wind

Things are things are things are things.

Things are going well. Everyone always asks about things. THINGS are just dandy.

Rehearsals picking up and i'm excited. I have auditions for Our Town on Friday and i'm oddly nervous.

I've been watching movies constantly. As much as I can. I cannot get enough of them.

I went to the study abroad office today and got incredibly excited about my possible expeditions to.. well anywhere.

Theres something for me over there. And I wont rest til I find out what it is.

Who is Keyser Soce?

In my field of study, I think it's necessary to watch movies. I currently have 30+ movies on my Netflix queue and I can't wait to watch them all. I got The Usual Suspects in right when I got to school and it was sitting on my desk and FINALLY on a lazy sunday when a cookout was cancelled, I put it in.

I forgot how in love with movies I am. I mean movies, yes, but really really good movies. I was BLOWN AWAY by the Departed and when I told my friends that they ALL said to watch this one and hell, I loved it. I didn't get into it at first and I was far too confused than I expected but then.. it picked up and I was starting to get angry at my roomates because I couldn't hear every word being said.

I loved it. I love movies. Even though I was alone, I loveddd it. I had no one to talk to or get excited with but, that's how I watched The Departed. I was confused (which I LOVE) and... its wonderful. Simply, genius.

Hmmm.. whats next? Big Fish. I've heard good things about it..

Quit it

Everything please stop being unsteady. Give me a pattern. Stability. Please.

There's this weird knot on my wrist that hurts. Hello hypochondriac self.

Its funny, yet again I say that I want things to be steady but I'm getting bored with my daily schedule. At least rehearsal starts next week. LINES LINES LINES.

"Tis not a year or two shows us a man

They are all but stomachs and we all but food.

They eat us hungerly and when they are full,

they belch us."

C-c-c-changing

Alright so I always brag about "how much I love change! It's so exciting! And thrilling!"

But... all this new change is freaking me out. I mean.. I do love change.. but as long as I have stability.. thats how i've always been.

Things that have changed:

I am not a freshman anymore. Bittersweet.. but for now.. bitter.

PAB does not exist anymore. Henderson is the NEW PAB and its big and clean and..weird

My old phone broke so I got a new snazzy keyboardy phone. Not a big deal for most. HUGE deal for me.

Things with him are new and odd. He's making friends. I'm keeping the old. Just new territory.

I am NO longer in a dorm. I walked towards my dorm the other day to go to a building near it..and it felt so right and familiar. I got teary-eyed. I love my apartment I really really do. But its so much to get used to.

What is the same? What can I depend on? Not D2 dinners.. its too far. Not the PAB lounge.. it doesn't exist. What? Tell me what!

The internets down and.. my homework's not started.

College is just as I remember. I'm glad because it did feel very unfamiliar for a while.

Rehearsals are picking up.. my lines ARENT memorized. I have a scene for IPI already in which.. I get abused and nearly raped but only AFTER we "neck" on the floor for a while. Demanding? I think so. Good physical work though. 

So although I want to stop prefacing things because I really have realized I do it far too often (right now..), I want to explain my choice of new blog. My old blog (truemeaning.livejournal.com) was my old life. It was all of highschool and only a few updates from last year of college. And now that blogging is COOL again (I swear livejournal was the coolest thing in 8th grade.. go check out my old posts.. they're hilarous) I figured I'd start a fresh new clean one. 

I don't necessarily want to update on my life. Tell how things are or what i'm doing. But maybe I do? I just need a place to type. A place to write. Well..when my internet isn't broken. Which is is so this is a miracle i'm even writing this.

This will get personal. I don't want to guard my feelings anymore. They aren't guarded but I need to publish. Not for attention, not for vanity but for myself. So here.. begin a new chapter, a new blog, a new year.

First is the worst

I'm not going to preface anything.. because I need to stop prefacing thing. Be bolder.

The best actors are the the best livers.