Ain't that some shit

Heyyooo

Haven't blogged in a while. Dunno if its my extremely BUSY two months..or cause I'm in a creative writing class where I'm writing constantly. Regardless..things are gooood. Finished the run of Persephone at tech which was amazingly busy, fast, daunting, and fun.

I get a two week break before I get to head to NYC for possibly one of the most intense and rewarding experiences I'll have in my college career. I'm pretty excited.

Wow..not much else to say. Weird huh? My mind is dabbling off into activities. Tried to work on a big spring break trip..that failed. Still wanna go to Ireland (oh..remember that?) maybe this summer for study abroad. I dunno.. I need to travel. I love me some USA.. but I still needa get out of here.

October 17th is coming right around the corner. Crazy huh? On year alreadyy...

seee yaaa

Inevitable can't be ignored

When I'm home. Its a totally different feeling. I've never thought about my future this much. I think its whats making me wig out a little bit this summer. When I'm in BBurg I really feel like a college kid with no worries and still two years to figure out what to do with my life. But when I'm home. I'm in my twenties, figuring out answer to questions I didn't even know existed. Example..

At school meeting someone new:

So..whats your major?

Theatre

Oh thats so cool! So do you do shows here?

Yeah i've been in a bunch its really awesome.

Man, I've got mad stage fright. Props to you!

Thanks!

At home meeting someone new:

So..whats your major?

Theatre

Oh wow... so are you into film or stage stuff?

Stage mostly.

So its off to New York I assume?

Yeah I mean.. thats the goal I guess. I haven't really figured it out.

New York is a tough place to live. Very expensive too.

Yeah.. so i've heard.

At school when people ask about boyfriend:

So you have a boyfriend?

Yeah! He's the same major as me!

Oh thats so cool! So you take the same classes and stuff?

Yeah its really nice to be able to study together.

Oh yeah I bet!

At home when people ask about boyfriend:

So you have a boyfriend?

Yeah! He's the same major as me and everything.

Oh so is he into film or stage stuff?

Mostly film. While I'm stage. Haha. We have to ahve some differences!

Ohh so he'll probably go to LA?

Uhh yeah I think thats where he wants to go.

And you in New York?

...so far thats the plan.

Hmm.. how you planning on doing that?

Uhhhhhhh..

Like NO exaggeration at all. When i'm at home. I'm a grown up. Looking at two short years left of schooling and all of my future is staring me in the eye. Forget football season. School shows. Exams. And partying 3 nights a week. Its on to the serious stuff. And I hate it. Its making me scared. Nervous. Reluctant. Questioning my choices. Rushing things that don't need to be rushed. I think thats another reason hwy I can'tw ait to be back. I can just be a carefree college student who stays up too late, drinks too much, and is completly oblivious to the inevitable future that I'll someday have to face. But for now..drink up.

untitled.

Don't have much time to write. I have to leave for work in ten minutes and I've got to clean my face up from where i've been crying.

I don't really ever remember feeling so low. About myself. About my friends. About my boyfriend and my family. Everything. It comes in waves. Hard and unexpected. If I distract myself with company, i'm perfectly fine. But its the hours and days that I'm not with people that it consumes me.

Went to blacksburg yesterday. Minus the whole speeding ticket thing, it was the happiest I remember being (without my boyfriends help..) all summer. I just had lunch with friends. Drank a little, talked a lot, watched TV and fell asleep. That only goes to prove that I don't need crazy nights of partying and attention. I just need company. To make me realize how lucky I am to have all of these people in my life.

I feel this shit affecting people. My parents, Jason, my friends who are tired of hearing about it. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like there's a solution somewhere. I just need to find it. Something that makes me happy, not bored, that isn't dependent on other people being around me for it. Until I can return to my home and feel at peace again. Help me find that. If you read this.. I need help.

I love you. I'm sorry if this has somehow affected you.

stuck in a Rut

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I haven't even been home for a month but it feels like 3. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm irritible. I'm sad. I'm missing him STILL. My friends are no where. I'm in bed on a friday night at 1030. What is this? I absolutely hate it.

I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. God bless him because he's been incredible. I thought when he came home everything would be solved. We'd be just fine. Livin free. Well of course i'll take this to when he was abroad and MIA for most of my time 2nd semester but this tacked onto 4 months of distance. It just sucks. We'll have spent about 2/3 of our relationship apart. What is that? Why do I do that to myself? He's worth it. I know he is. I just wish it wasnt so hard. I'm tired of things being hard.

I want to be with my friends again. Getting drunk on Tuesday nights and waking up to my boys face every morning. I want to laugh in class with Carly and take the BT home to foxy and curl up on our fugly couches and watch a new movie.

I never thought college and my bburg fam would mean this much to me. But its seriously killing me to not be with them.

August cannot come sooner..

The road is long and winding. Like a good mystery unfolding.

I'm not sure if i've ever been at a place in my life like this. I've heard people say that relationships don't take effort. The best are the easy ones. I never really knew what that meant because I'm kind of a crazy in love girl who is obsessed with relationships. But hey.. I think i've found a keeper here.

Last semester was a ton of work. Emotionally, physically, academically, everything. But the work was only because we were so far. Now that we're home. Settled. And enjoying (to some extent) our summers with and without eachother. I get it. I get the idea of being content. Just being. Being together. Its so easy. To know that he wont wake up in the morning feeling differently and I wont either. We trust and are trusted.

I think this means good things for me.

And again..

I just looked at the date on that entry...and had to convince myself it was right. I can't believe it. Its May 4th. Wow.

I'll find a way to you if it kills me

I've been living a semester off of time. How much time is left. How much we've done. How much I've spent talking. How much I've spent away.

I am sick of time.

But it haunts me. I'm constantly reminded from birth control to due dates to the little iCal icon on my desktop that reminds me of the date.

But the cool thing..is this time.. i'm writing positively. Knowing that four.. four short..crazy hectic and stressful days filled with pulling possible all nighters and studying.. but four days. He'll be here. In this bed with me. I'll never want to get on my computer again. I'll remember everything I forgot. I'll get this part of my heart back that I've been missing for so so long. My confidence will return. I won't cry again unless its happy tears of his arrival. I'll be smiling so much it's going to hurt.

Four days my friends. We made it. Somehow, you and I.. we did it. Lets do this thing right. Lets do it how it should have gone. I'm ready baby. Come grab my hand.

It takes some silence to make sound

Yeah. No more in depth super reflective and serious entries. Its all a coast from here. Its like.. the 3.2 run I ran for my babies on friday.

The beginning was hard..cause I wasnt used to running, then it got pretty easy, then came the hills by the duck pond..ouch, halfway through we were in lane stadium which was so fun and made me realize I was halfway through, then came the hardest part, the terrible terrible hills we had to climb. Right when I thought I couldn't do it, there was a woman yelling at me on the sidewalk saying it was all downhill the rest of the way. I jogged a bit more then saw the finish line, I sprinted in and got a great time.

End the largest analogy ever. Basically i'm saying we just finished a hard hard part and we're on to the end. I don't quite see it yet, but I know its right around the corner.

Clearence, i'm waiting. See you soon baby.

Reality catching up

It's so weird to think that.. all I've been thinking about, counting down to, dreaming of, is acutually going to happen. Like, I keep thinking about it and the fact that he actually is going to walk through my door. He's gonna send me that text message when his plane lands. I'm actually NOT going to sleep the night before.

Its not just a dream. Its not just a fantasy.

It's going to happen.

And its coming in three weeks.

:)

Cause I get a kick out of you

Yep. I poetry-ed it up again. First time since beginning of Freshman year.

Heart skipping at the thought of his arms
wrapped around me again.
Hot tears rolling over my cheeks
that he used to kiss.
I can feel his hands on my arms
my legs
my hands.
So close I can feel it.
No more worrying
No more pain
No more stress.
Soon again, he'll be my boy next door loverboy.
Showing him off to friends
smiling at him without him noticing me.
Talking til dawn reminds us of the busy day
we have yet to face.
But with each other
time doesn't exist.
There will be no more ticking clock in our heads.
Reminders of the large distance
that
separates
us.
Only moments
and conversations
and kisses
will remain in our minds.
I can feel you in my room.
You're smiling at me.
Watching me cry
the tears i've always loved to cry.
Tears that hold songs we used to sing
and moments we'll share together
soon.
Your girl is waiting, darling.
Come sweep her off her feet
just like you used to.
Because remember,
chivalry is not dead

Til you get your ass back in my lovin' arms

In risk of being repititious in my blogs, I hope that this entry is a little different from the last few.

Its been a ride. You can track my bi-monthly updates to see that I've gone through tremendous ups and downs about this relationship. Its been one of the most emotional, demanding, difficult and prolonged relationships I've ever been in. Thankfully, my idea was correct that I would learn a lot about myself in this time apart. I have. And thus, I keep reflecting it here.. so here goes more. 5 weeks to go. Thats it. Its gonna fly. But until I can happily write that he did infact "get his ass back in my lovin' arms" I'll keep on documenting my feelings. Almost like i'm talking to a virtual shrink here.. enough prologue.. time for the meat.

Confidence. Security. Assurance. Positivity.

Things i'm working on.

Nostalgia. Hope. Hindsight. Tunnel vision. Catharsis.

Things i've mastered.

I actually just wrote a whole in-depth analysis of why I am the way I am and how each of these charactersitics i've mastered and need work on define me. But I was even getting bored reading it. Here..here I am.

I'm needy. I need reassurance though I work every day to not. I'm too loud when I shouldn't be. I'm actually not confident at all though I think I put up a good front. About 70% of me smiling is because I actually am happy and the other 30% is because I feel that if I smile.. I'll make others happier and can at least brighten their day. If you figure me out..you'll be able to see the difference. I hold my friends and my relationships up to high standards because I expect everybody I let close to my heart to have my back 100%. No exceptions (Carly..this is where you get mentioned!). I hate being alone always because when I'm by myself my mind takes over my heart and that is just plain old scary. My heart is strong, but weak at the same time. There's a big dent in it from where I lost my ability to be totally secure in someone but again, am working on that daily. I know that I am so fucking lucky to have the friends, family and boyfriend I do. I'm thankful of that everyday. I have this weird ability to eject myself from my life from time to time to watch from an outside view and either be extremely proud, or wanting to scream at myself for doing something so unnecessary or to have seen it coming. I cry far too often. Most times, Its not even about whats going on. I think I just find crying extremely relieving and honestly anything can trigger it.

There's a lot I need to work on. There's a lot that I'm proud to say I've gotten better at. There's a lot about a lot about a lot.

To bring this full circle, this blog was tipped off from a glaring flaw in myself. I need to work on my self confidence. I need to know that I don't need someone holding my hand 24/7 saying that i'm doing things right and that they love me every second of the day. I need to just be able to know and be sure in myself. I think thats my biggest weakness as a person. But I'm lucky enough to have someone who wants me to get that way. Not so he's off the hook but so I can grow as a person. Someone who truly wants me to blossom and find my sunlight. I'm almost 20 and its about time I start pushing myself instead of waiting to be pushed. Take off the training-wheels and head out, girl. Everyones waiting at the bottom of the hill for you.

There are times when I feel your love around me baby

I'm learning. Its a process. Its happening. Slowly.

I'm realizing that the risk that you put yourself at in real real relationships is totally totally worth it. I've never really had this risk before. Cause I hadnt really felt it. But. I do now. And its scary as shit. Oh goodness is it. That little voice reminding you that it can all come crashing down at any moment. And its hard not to want,demand, neeed constant reassurance. But I have to live without.

Oh, we're halfway there. (oooohh! livin on a prayer) I know the rest of the semester is just gonna fly.

Come on baby. You and me. Lets hop on the ride. Together.

I will follow you into the dark

Haven't written in a while and I think this is exactly what I need to do.

One month later from last entry. Sad..the Harry Potter party from last entry was the last theatre party we had up til last night! Two this weekend. Only drank at one and got sick. That is never fun. But it was a pretty cool weekend! I'm glad too.

Time is flying by.. I guess. I mean I feel the weeks going fast but still.. not quite half way there yet. Ready to be. Clearly. In the past.. few days or so i've come to realize more things. About myself, about relationships, about everything. And where else to dump.. but here! The blog that no one reads unless I specifically send it to someone TO read. But here is where I can write. Be candid and honest because.. ta daa! No one reads it. So here goes..

There's a song. "I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. I've always liked that song and recently my director for Dark Play has had us listen to and start singing it. Because she likes it and wants to incorporate it into the play somehow. Awesome idea. But there's this line. A line that says this "I held my tounge as she told me, 'Son, fear is the heart of love' so I never went back." Now that line always intreguiged me. Fear is the heart of love. Fear..is the heart of love. Fear is the HEART of love. I mean what does that mean? And why did the writer of the song get so defensive about it? At first.. I agreed with him. To walk out after someone says something like that. Fear is the heart of love? That's sort of offensive. Is she saying that only cowards fall in love? But then I thought..and some stuff clicked in my head recently. I think I figured it out. And it all makes sense.

Fear is indeed the heart of love. Because those that are in love. Truly 100% in love.. fear. They fear that their heart is going to be broken. That they're going to fuck up and mess things up. And the big step in love is conquering that fear. Saying that its worth it to go all in. And the reason that the guy 'never came back' in the song.. is because he wasn't ready to face the fear. He wasn't ready to put himself really and truly out there. But he walked out convincing himself that it was because of my immediate thoughts. That cowards fall in love. But he knew.. and I know now.. that is not the story.

Personally, this is hitting at a wonderful time. I'm understanding that sometimes great love involves a great risk. Risking everything. Throwing your heart into a demolition derby ring looking through spread fingers as you're praying "Please.. please don't break it." But you have to throw it. Cause if you hold onto even a little bit. You're not there. You're not in it.

I think. For the first time. I'm there. And though it's scary as hell.. i'm glad.

Spin like a record crazy on a Sunday Night

Just updating to update. Not much to say! Besides the fact that this week has gone by dreadly slow. I have a feeling that will be the whole semester, eh?

Harry Potter party last night. Very fun! Dressed up as Devils Snare wore a lot of leaves and green. It was very very fun.

I need the pickup. I need the semester to start going. Go downhill, ya know?

Time to play guitar hero, bathe and go to rehearsal..

Forgot-a-post

Some thoughts bobbling in my head the past few days. They happened when I was feeling down so I think I threw them to the side a little bit but here. Some intense self-assesment..

Claims i've made about myself in past years:

I'm independent, I like being alone, I can do well on my own, I don't need a guy to make me happy, I am confident, I can be serious when need be, I like hogging the bed.

Recent things I've discovered about myself to prove those last statements false:

Independence is deceiving, I like being alone when I constitute WHEN I'm alone, I often times need encouragement or help doing things, I've lived a large chunk of my life with boys how do I know if I can be happy without them, I'm passive about my confidence- which doesn't really equal confidence at all, giggling is my self-defense mechanism, I need something or someone around me in bed.

These are not all bad things. Not at all. A lot just hit me about things I thought I knew. I always say I know myself the best. And honestly, I do. Of course every person knows themselves the best. But I think I've just mis-titled some of my characteristics. Posed under a name I liked better. It's so much easier to play up independence. Its strong and bold. But in reality? I'm heavily relient on other people. Which is totally okay. But why have I, for so long, been pretending otherwise?

You making my dreams come true

Heyyy i'm backk! Officially (well, how official can you be, right?) back to my normal human self again. Just started this shit at a time I just plain shouldn't have. But i'm okay now! Doing much better.

This semester is going to be a crazy train of good times. 2 shows, hokie ambassadors, 19 hours, all theatre classes, shakespeare up the wazooo and being with people that I love love.

We talk to the riva kids constantly. If they weren't 6 hours ahead than I wouldn't be surprised if hours were spent talking. I know some of this is immediate homesickness from them and people sickness from us but I hope we don't lose touch too much. I wouldn't like that very much!

I'm almost in the opposite side of birth control. Randomly i'll start laughing or i'll get really giddy during the day. I definitely like this better.

I'm gonna go rearrange my room. It needs to be done.

Farewell!

Emotional vs. Hormonal?

Since probably of 3 people read my blog, I figured it'd be a good place to write out how i'm feeling. I'm not sure if writing it out HELPS or HURTS but i'm taking my chances with everything!

I just started birth control. WOAH is it rocking my world. Called my mom this morning as an emotional wreck. She read to me the side effects of the birth control and I literally had every single one of them. Nausea, headaches, diziness, nervousness, depression, loss of appetite. Got them all. And what doesn't help is that he left for a semester abroad. I think I would be doing decent if not for this shit. But this shit is amplifying every tiny feeling I have to an extreme level. One second, i'm okay. The next, i'm crazy. So I apologize to anyone if they get the weirdo end of this. I'm trying to force myself to be fun, happy, goofy me again. It'll happen once classes start and my girls get back and I start going out again. I just need to feel like me again.

Seeing him though definitely does help. Right now at least. Not sure if we can keep talking for hours at a time as this semester goes on but right now its exactly what I need.

Love you all. Bear with me for a few weeks!

Double awful timing

Starting BC the day before my boyfriend leaves for another country for 4 months was a bad idea. Bad bad idea.

I really don't know what to blame. But whever it is.. this is terrible for me. I keep telling myself its not gonna be that bad. I'll be fine. Just enjoy my semester for what its worth. A boy doesn't define me or my school year.

I agree with everything I just typed but someone please tell my eyes to stop doing what they're doing. I'm going to be an emotional wreck the next couple of days.

The little things you do to me

I need to learn to be alone. Yes. I need to learn to be independent. Yes. I need to learn that I don't ALWAYS have to have a boy to talk to. Yes. I need to learn to go to bed at night without talking hours to someone. YES.

But why.. please answer this. Why are you so hard to be apart from?

There's a part of me

That really wishes DG would have worked out. I still have that same feeling as I had last year. I have this feeling that i'm supposed to be in a sorority. It's too late now. I've joined and left. I can't do anything about it. But I really do feel like I missed something. Maybe it was just the way sororities appeared or looked from a distance but when I was actually in it.. it wore off. I just remember going through rush wanting to be in one so bad. Was it DG? Would this have happened in any of them? It's too late now, I know. But I can't help thinking about it.