Inevitable can't be ignored

When I'm home. Its a totally different feeling. I've never thought about my future this much. I think its whats making me wig out a little bit this summer. When I'm in BBurg I really feel like a college kid with no worries and still two years to figure out what to do with my life. But when I'm home. I'm in my twenties, figuring out answer to questions I didn't even know existed. Example..

At school meeting someone new:

So..whats your major?

Theatre

Oh thats so cool! So do you do shows here?

Yeah i've been in a bunch its really awesome.

Man, I've got mad stage fright. Props to you!

Thanks!

At home meeting someone new:

So..whats your major?

Theatre

Oh wow... so are you into film or stage stuff?

Stage mostly.

So its off to New York I assume?

Yeah I mean.. thats the goal I guess. I haven't really figured it out.

New York is a tough place to live. Very expensive too.

Yeah.. so i've heard.

At school when people ask about boyfriend:

So you have a boyfriend?

Yeah! He's the same major as me!

Oh thats so cool! So you take the same classes and stuff?

Yeah its really nice to be able to study together.

Oh yeah I bet!

At home when people ask about boyfriend:

So you have a boyfriend?

Yeah! He's the same major as me and everything.

Oh so is he into film or stage stuff?

Mostly film. While I'm stage. Haha. We have to ahve some differences!

Ohh so he'll probably go to LA?

Uhh yeah I think thats where he wants to go.

And you in New York?

...so far thats the plan.

Hmm.. how you planning on doing that?

Uhhhhhhh..

Like NO exaggeration at all. When i'm at home. I'm a grown up. Looking at two short years left of schooling and all of my future is staring me in the eye. Forget football season. School shows. Exams. And partying 3 nights a week. Its on to the serious stuff. And I hate it. Its making me scared. Nervous. Reluctant. Questioning my choices. Rushing things that don't need to be rushed. I think thats another reason hwy I can'tw ait to be back. I can just be a carefree college student who stays up too late, drinks too much, and is completly oblivious to the inevitable future that I'll someday have to face. But for now..drink up.

untitled.

Don't have much time to write. I have to leave for work in ten minutes and I've got to clean my face up from where i've been crying.

I don't really ever remember feeling so low. About myself. About my friends. About my boyfriend and my family. Everything. It comes in waves. Hard and unexpected. If I distract myself with company, i'm perfectly fine. But its the hours and days that I'm not with people that it consumes me.

Went to blacksburg yesterday. Minus the whole speeding ticket thing, it was the happiest I remember being (without my boyfriends help..) all summer. I just had lunch with friends. Drank a little, talked a lot, watched TV and fell asleep. That only goes to prove that I don't need crazy nights of partying and attention. I just need company. To make me realize how lucky I am to have all of these people in my life.

I feel this shit affecting people. My parents, Jason, my friends who are tired of hearing about it. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like there's a solution somewhere. I just need to find it. Something that makes me happy, not bored, that isn't dependent on other people being around me for it. Until I can return to my home and feel at peace again. Help me find that. If you read this.. I need help.

I love you. I'm sorry if this has somehow affected you.