One month later from last entry. Sad..the Harry Potter party from last entry was the last theatre party we had up til last night! Two this weekend. Only drank at one and got sick. That is never fun. But it was a pretty cool weekend! I'm glad too.
Time is flying by.. I guess. I mean I feel the weeks going fast but still.. not quite half way there yet. Ready to be. Clearly. In the past.. few days or so i've come to realize more things. About myself, about relationships, about everything. And where else to dump.. but here! The blog that no one reads unless I specifically send it to someone TO read. But here is where I can write. Be candid and honest because.. ta daa! No one reads it. So here goes..
There's a song. "I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. I've always liked that song and recently my director for Dark Play has had us listen to and start singing it. Because she likes it and wants to incorporate it into the play somehow. Awesome idea. But there's this line. A line that says this "I held my tounge as she told me, 'Son, fear is the heart of love' so I never went back." Now that line always intreguiged me. Fear is the heart of love. Fear..is the heart of love. Fear is the HEART of love. I mean what does that mean? And why did the writer of the song get so defensive about it? At first.. I agreed with him. To walk out after someone says something like that. Fear is the heart of love? That's sort of offensive. Is she saying that only cowards fall in love? But then I thought..and some stuff clicked in my head recently. I think I figured it out. And it all makes sense.
Fear is indeed the heart of love. Because those that are in love. Truly 100% in love.. fear. They fear that their heart is going to be broken. That they're going to fuck up and mess things up. And the big step in love is conquering that fear. Saying that its worth it to go all in. And the reason that the guy 'never came back' in the song.. is because he wasn't ready to face the fear. He wasn't ready to put himself really and truly out there. But he walked out convincing himself that it was because of my immediate thoughts. That cowards fall in love. But he knew.. and I know now.. that is not the story.
Personally, this is hitting at a wonderful time. I'm understanding that sometimes great love involves a great risk. Risking everything. Throwing your heart into a demolition derby ring looking through spread fingers as you're praying "Please.. please don't break it." But you have to throw it. Cause if you hold onto even a little bit. You're not there. You're not in it.
I think. For the first time. I'm there. And though it's scary as hell.. i'm glad.
