Cause I get a kick out of you

Yep. I poetry-ed it up again. First time since beginning of Freshman year.

Heart skipping at the thought of his arms
wrapped around me again.
Hot tears rolling over my cheeks
that he used to kiss.
I can feel his hands on my arms
my legs
my hands.
So close I can feel it.
No more worrying
No more pain
No more stress.
Soon again, he'll be my boy next door loverboy.
Showing him off to friends
smiling at him without him noticing me.
Talking til dawn reminds us of the busy day
we have yet to face.
But with each other
time doesn't exist.
There will be no more ticking clock in our heads.
Reminders of the large distance
that
separates
us.
Only moments
and conversations
and kisses
will remain in our minds.
I can feel you in my room.
You're smiling at me.
Watching me cry
the tears i've always loved to cry.
Tears that hold songs we used to sing
and moments we'll share together
soon.
Your girl is waiting, darling.
Come sweep her off her feet
just like you used to.
Because remember,
chivalry is not dead

Til you get your ass back in my lovin' arms

In risk of being repititious in my blogs, I hope that this entry is a little different from the last few.

Its been a ride. You can track my bi-monthly updates to see that I've gone through tremendous ups and downs about this relationship. Its been one of the most emotional, demanding, difficult and prolonged relationships I've ever been in. Thankfully, my idea was correct that I would learn a lot about myself in this time apart. I have. And thus, I keep reflecting it here.. so here goes more. 5 weeks to go. Thats it. Its gonna fly. But until I can happily write that he did infact "get his ass back in my lovin' arms" I'll keep on documenting my feelings. Almost like i'm talking to a virtual shrink here.. enough prologue.. time for the meat.

Confidence. Security. Assurance. Positivity.

Things i'm working on.

Nostalgia. Hope. Hindsight. Tunnel vision. Catharsis.

Things i've mastered.

I actually just wrote a whole in-depth analysis of why I am the way I am and how each of these charactersitics i've mastered and need work on define me. But I was even getting bored reading it. Here..here I am.

I'm needy. I need reassurance though I work every day to not. I'm too loud when I shouldn't be. I'm actually not confident at all though I think I put up a good front. About 70% of me smiling is because I actually am happy and the other 30% is because I feel that if I smile.. I'll make others happier and can at least brighten their day. If you figure me out..you'll be able to see the difference. I hold my friends and my relationships up to high standards because I expect everybody I let close to my heart to have my back 100%. No exceptions (Carly..this is where you get mentioned!). I hate being alone always because when I'm by myself my mind takes over my heart and that is just plain old scary. My heart is strong, but weak at the same time. There's a big dent in it from where I lost my ability to be totally secure in someone but again, am working on that daily. I know that I am so fucking lucky to have the friends, family and boyfriend I do. I'm thankful of that everyday. I have this weird ability to eject myself from my life from time to time to watch from an outside view and either be extremely proud, or wanting to scream at myself for doing something so unnecessary or to have seen it coming. I cry far too often. Most times, Its not even about whats going on. I think I just find crying extremely relieving and honestly anything can trigger it.

There's a lot I need to work on. There's a lot that I'm proud to say I've gotten better at. There's a lot about a lot about a lot.

To bring this full circle, this blog was tipped off from a glaring flaw in myself. I need to work on my self confidence. I need to know that I don't need someone holding my hand 24/7 saying that i'm doing things right and that they love me every second of the day. I need to just be able to know and be sure in myself. I think thats my biggest weakness as a person. But I'm lucky enough to have someone who wants me to get that way. Not so he's off the hook but so I can grow as a person. Someone who truly wants me to blossom and find my sunlight. I'm almost 20 and its about time I start pushing myself instead of waiting to be pushed. Take off the training-wheels and head out, girl. Everyones waiting at the bottom of the hill for you.

There are times when I feel your love around me baby

I'm learning. Its a process. Its happening. Slowly.

I'm realizing that the risk that you put yourself at in real real relationships is totally totally worth it. I've never really had this risk before. Cause I hadnt really felt it. But. I do now. And its scary as shit. Oh goodness is it. That little voice reminding you that it can all come crashing down at any moment. And its hard not to want,demand, neeed constant reassurance. But I have to live without.

Oh, we're halfway there. (oooohh! livin on a prayer) I know the rest of the semester is just gonna fly.

Come on baby. You and me. Lets hop on the ride. Together.