Inevitable can't be ignored

When I'm home. Its a totally different feeling. I've never thought about my future this much. I think its whats making me wig out a little bit this summer. When I'm in BBurg I really feel like a college kid with no worries and still two years to figure out what to do with my life. But when I'm home. I'm in my twenties, figuring out answer to questions I didn't even know existed. Example..

At school meeting someone new:

So..whats your major?

Theatre

Oh thats so cool! So do you do shows here?

Yeah i've been in a bunch its really awesome.

Man, I've got mad stage fright. Props to you!

Thanks!

At home meeting someone new:

So..whats your major?

Theatre

Oh wow... so are you into film or stage stuff?

Stage mostly.

So its off to New York I assume?

Yeah I mean.. thats the goal I guess. I haven't really figured it out.

New York is a tough place to live. Very expensive too.

Yeah.. so i've heard.

At school when people ask about boyfriend:

So you have a boyfriend?

Yeah! He's the same major as me!

Oh thats so cool! So you take the same classes and stuff?

Yeah its really nice to be able to study together.

Oh yeah I bet!

At home when people ask about boyfriend:

So you have a boyfriend?

Yeah! He's the same major as me and everything.

Oh so is he into film or stage stuff?

Mostly film. While I'm stage. Haha. We have to ahve some differences!

Ohh so he'll probably go to LA?

Uhh yeah I think thats where he wants to go.

And you in New York?

...so far thats the plan.

Hmm.. how you planning on doing that?

Uhhhhhhh..

Like NO exaggeration at all. When i'm at home. I'm a grown up. Looking at two short years left of schooling and all of my future is staring me in the eye. Forget football season. School shows. Exams. And partying 3 nights a week. Its on to the serious stuff. And I hate it. Its making me scared. Nervous. Reluctant. Questioning my choices. Rushing things that don't need to be rushed. I think thats another reason hwy I can'tw ait to be back. I can just be a carefree college student who stays up too late, drinks too much, and is completly oblivious to the inevitable future that I'll someday have to face. But for now..drink up.

untitled.

Don't have much time to write. I have to leave for work in ten minutes and I've got to clean my face up from where i've been crying.

I don't really ever remember feeling so low. About myself. About my friends. About my boyfriend and my family. Everything. It comes in waves. Hard and unexpected. If I distract myself with company, i'm perfectly fine. But its the hours and days that I'm not with people that it consumes me.

Went to blacksburg yesterday. Minus the whole speeding ticket thing, it was the happiest I remember being (without my boyfriends help..) all summer. I just had lunch with friends. Drank a little, talked a lot, watched TV and fell asleep. That only goes to prove that I don't need crazy nights of partying and attention. I just need company. To make me realize how lucky I am to have all of these people in my life.

I feel this shit affecting people. My parents, Jason, my friends who are tired of hearing about it. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like there's a solution somewhere. I just need to find it. Something that makes me happy, not bored, that isn't dependent on other people being around me for it. Until I can return to my home and feel at peace again. Help me find that. If you read this.. I need help.

I love you. I'm sorry if this has somehow affected you.

stuck in a Rut

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I haven't even been home for a month but it feels like 3. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm irritible. I'm sad. I'm missing him STILL. My friends are no where. I'm in bed on a friday night at 1030. What is this? I absolutely hate it.

I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. God bless him because he's been incredible. I thought when he came home everything would be solved. We'd be just fine. Livin free. Well of course i'll take this to when he was abroad and MIA for most of my time 2nd semester but this tacked onto 4 months of distance. It just sucks. We'll have spent about 2/3 of our relationship apart. What is that? Why do I do that to myself? He's worth it. I know he is. I just wish it wasnt so hard. I'm tired of things being hard.

I want to be with my friends again. Getting drunk on Tuesday nights and waking up to my boys face every morning. I want to laugh in class with Carly and take the BT home to foxy and curl up on our fugly couches and watch a new movie.

I never thought college and my bburg fam would mean this much to me. But its seriously killing me to not be with them.

August cannot come sooner..

The road is long and winding. Like a good mystery unfolding.

I'm not sure if i've ever been at a place in my life like this. I've heard people say that relationships don't take effort. The best are the easy ones. I never really knew what that meant because I'm kind of a crazy in love girl who is obsessed with relationships. But hey.. I think i've found a keeper here.

Last semester was a ton of work. Emotionally, physically, academically, everything. But the work was only because we were so far. Now that we're home. Settled. And enjoying (to some extent) our summers with and without eachother. I get it. I get the idea of being content. Just being. Being together. Its so easy. To know that he wont wake up in the morning feeling differently and I wont either. We trust and are trusted.

I think this means good things for me.

And again..

I just looked at the date on that entry...and had to convince myself it was right. I can't believe it. Its May 4th. Wow.

I'll find a way to you if it kills me

I've been living a semester off of time. How much time is left. How much we've done. How much I've spent talking. How much I've spent away.

I am sick of time.

But it haunts me. I'm constantly reminded from birth control to due dates to the little iCal icon on my desktop that reminds me of the date.

But the cool thing..is this time.. i'm writing positively. Knowing that four.. four short..crazy hectic and stressful days filled with pulling possible all nighters and studying.. but four days. He'll be here. In this bed with me. I'll never want to get on my computer again. I'll remember everything I forgot. I'll get this part of my heart back that I've been missing for so so long. My confidence will return. I won't cry again unless its happy tears of his arrival. I'll be smiling so much it's going to hurt.

Four days my friends. We made it. Somehow, you and I.. we did it. Lets do this thing right. Lets do it how it should have gone. I'm ready baby. Come grab my hand.

It takes some silence to make sound

Yeah. No more in depth super reflective and serious entries. Its all a coast from here. Its like.. the 3.2 run I ran for my babies on friday.

The beginning was hard..cause I wasnt used to running, then it got pretty easy, then came the hills by the duck pond..ouch, halfway through we were in lane stadium which was so fun and made me realize I was halfway through, then came the hardest part, the terrible terrible hills we had to climb. Right when I thought I couldn't do it, there was a woman yelling at me on the sidewalk saying it was all downhill the rest of the way. I jogged a bit more then saw the finish line, I sprinted in and got a great time.

End the largest analogy ever. Basically i'm saying we just finished a hard hard part and we're on to the end. I don't quite see it yet, but I know its right around the corner.

Clearence, i'm waiting. See you soon baby.