stuck in a Rut

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I haven't even been home for a month but it feels like 3. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm irritible. I'm sad. I'm missing him STILL. My friends are no where. I'm in bed on a friday night at 1030. What is this? I absolutely hate it.

I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. God bless him because he's been incredible. I thought when he came home everything would be solved. We'd be just fine. Livin free. Well of course i'll take this to when he was abroad and MIA for most of my time 2nd semester but this tacked onto 4 months of distance. It just sucks. We'll have spent about 2/3 of our relationship apart. What is that? Why do I do that to myself? He's worth it. I know he is. I just wish it wasnt so hard. I'm tired of things being hard.

I want to be with my friends again. Getting drunk on Tuesday nights and waking up to my boys face every morning. I want to laugh in class with Carly and take the BT home to foxy and curl up on our fugly couches and watch a new movie.

I never thought college and my bburg fam would mean this much to me. But its seriously killing me to not be with them.

August cannot come sooner..

The road is long and winding. Like a good mystery unfolding.

I'm not sure if i've ever been at a place in my life like this. I've heard people say that relationships don't take effort. The best are the easy ones. I never really knew what that meant because I'm kind of a crazy in love girl who is obsessed with relationships. But hey.. I think i've found a keeper here.

Last semester was a ton of work. Emotionally, physically, academically, everything. But the work was only because we were so far. Now that we're home. Settled. And enjoying (to some extent) our summers with and without eachother. I get it. I get the idea of being content. Just being. Being together. Its so easy. To know that he wont wake up in the morning feeling differently and I wont either. We trust and are trusted.

I think this means good things for me.

And again..

I just looked at the date on that entry...and had to convince myself it was right. I can't believe it. Its May 4th. Wow.

I'll find a way to you if it kills me

I've been living a semester off of time. How much time is left. How much we've done. How much I've spent talking. How much I've spent away.

I am sick of time.

But it haunts me. I'm constantly reminded from birth control to due dates to the little iCal icon on my desktop that reminds me of the date.

But the cool thing..is this time.. i'm writing positively. Knowing that four.. four short..crazy hectic and stressful days filled with pulling possible all nighters and studying.. but four days. He'll be here. In this bed with me. I'll never want to get on my computer again. I'll remember everything I forgot. I'll get this part of my heart back that I've been missing for so so long. My confidence will return. I won't cry again unless its happy tears of his arrival. I'll be smiling so much it's going to hurt.

Four days my friends. We made it. Somehow, you and I.. we did it. Lets do this thing right. Lets do it how it should have gone. I'm ready baby. Come grab my hand.

It takes some silence to make sound

Yeah. No more in depth super reflective and serious entries. Its all a coast from here. Its like.. the 3.2 run I ran for my babies on friday.

The beginning was hard..cause I wasnt used to running, then it got pretty easy, then came the hills by the duck pond..ouch, halfway through we were in lane stadium which was so fun and made me realize I was halfway through, then came the hardest part, the terrible terrible hills we had to climb. Right when I thought I couldn't do it, there was a woman yelling at me on the sidewalk saying it was all downhill the rest of the way. I jogged a bit more then saw the finish line, I sprinted in and got a great time.

End the largest analogy ever. Basically i'm saying we just finished a hard hard part and we're on to the end. I don't quite see it yet, but I know its right around the corner.

Clearence, i'm waiting. See you soon baby.

Reality catching up

It's so weird to think that.. all I've been thinking about, counting down to, dreaming of, is acutually going to happen. Like, I keep thinking about it and the fact that he actually is going to walk through my door. He's gonna send me that text message when his plane lands. I'm actually NOT going to sleep the night before.

Its not just a dream. Its not just a fantasy.

It's going to happen.

And its coming in three weeks.

:)

Cause I get a kick out of you

Yep. I poetry-ed it up again. First time since beginning of Freshman year.

Heart skipping at the thought of his arms
wrapped around me again.
Hot tears rolling over my cheeks
that he used to kiss.
I can feel his hands on my arms
my legs
my hands.
So close I can feel it.
No more worrying
No more pain
No more stress.
Soon again, he'll be my boy next door loverboy.
Showing him off to friends
smiling at him without him noticing me.
Talking til dawn reminds us of the busy day
we have yet to face.
But with each other
time doesn't exist.
There will be no more ticking clock in our heads.
Reminders of the large distance
that
separates
us.
Only moments
and conversations
and kisses
will remain in our minds.
I can feel you in my room.
You're smiling at me.
Watching me cry
the tears i've always loved to cry.
Tears that hold songs we used to sing
and moments we'll share together
soon.
Your girl is waiting, darling.
Come sweep her off her feet
just like you used to.
Because remember,
chivalry is not dead