Cause I get a kick out of you

Yep. I poetry-ed it up again. First time since beginning of Freshman year.

Heart skipping at the thought of his arms
wrapped around me again.
Hot tears rolling over my cheeks
that he used to kiss.
I can feel his hands on my arms
my legs
my hands.
So close I can feel it.
No more worrying
No more pain
No more stress.
Soon again, he'll be my boy next door loverboy.
Showing him off to friends
smiling at him without him noticing me.
Talking til dawn reminds us of the busy day
we have yet to face.
But with each other
time doesn't exist.
There will be no more ticking clock in our heads.
Reminders of the large distance
that
separates
us.
Only moments
and conversations
and kisses
will remain in our minds.
I can feel you in my room.
You're smiling at me.
Watching me cry
the tears i've always loved to cry.
Tears that hold songs we used to sing
and moments we'll share together
soon.
Your girl is waiting, darling.
Come sweep her off her feet
just like you used to.
Because remember,
chivalry is not dead

Til you get your ass back in my lovin' arms

In risk of being repititious in my blogs, I hope that this entry is a little different from the last few.

Its been a ride. You can track my bi-monthly updates to see that I've gone through tremendous ups and downs about this relationship. Its been one of the most emotional, demanding, difficult and prolonged relationships I've ever been in. Thankfully, my idea was correct that I would learn a lot about myself in this time apart. I have. And thus, I keep reflecting it here.. so here goes more. 5 weeks to go. Thats it. Its gonna fly. But until I can happily write that he did infact "get his ass back in my lovin' arms" I'll keep on documenting my feelings. Almost like i'm talking to a virtual shrink here.. enough prologue.. time for the meat.

Confidence. Security. Assurance. Positivity.

Things i'm working on.

Nostalgia. Hope. Hindsight. Tunnel vision. Catharsis.

Things i've mastered.

I actually just wrote a whole in-depth analysis of why I am the way I am and how each of these charactersitics i've mastered and need work on define me. But I was even getting bored reading it. Here..here I am.

I'm needy. I need reassurance though I work every day to not. I'm too loud when I shouldn't be. I'm actually not confident at all though I think I put up a good front. About 70% of me smiling is because I actually am happy and the other 30% is because I feel that if I smile.. I'll make others happier and can at least brighten their day. If you figure me out..you'll be able to see the difference. I hold my friends and my relationships up to high standards because I expect everybody I let close to my heart to have my back 100%. No exceptions (Carly..this is where you get mentioned!). I hate being alone always because when I'm by myself my mind takes over my heart and that is just plain old scary. My heart is strong, but weak at the same time. There's a big dent in it from where I lost my ability to be totally secure in someone but again, am working on that daily. I know that I am so fucking lucky to have the friends, family and boyfriend I do. I'm thankful of that everyday. I have this weird ability to eject myself from my life from time to time to watch from an outside view and either be extremely proud, or wanting to scream at myself for doing something so unnecessary or to have seen it coming. I cry far too often. Most times, Its not even about whats going on. I think I just find crying extremely relieving and honestly anything can trigger it.

There's a lot I need to work on. There's a lot that I'm proud to say I've gotten better at. There's a lot about a lot about a lot.

To bring this full circle, this blog was tipped off from a glaring flaw in myself. I need to work on my self confidence. I need to know that I don't need someone holding my hand 24/7 saying that i'm doing things right and that they love me every second of the day. I need to just be able to know and be sure in myself. I think thats my biggest weakness as a person. But I'm lucky enough to have someone who wants me to get that way. Not so he's off the hook but so I can grow as a person. Someone who truly wants me to blossom and find my sunlight. I'm almost 20 and its about time I start pushing myself instead of waiting to be pushed. Take off the training-wheels and head out, girl. Everyones waiting at the bottom of the hill for you.

There are times when I feel your love around me baby

I'm learning. Its a process. Its happening. Slowly.

I'm realizing that the risk that you put yourself at in real real relationships is totally totally worth it. I've never really had this risk before. Cause I hadnt really felt it. But. I do now. And its scary as shit. Oh goodness is it. That little voice reminding you that it can all come crashing down at any moment. And its hard not to want,demand, neeed constant reassurance. But I have to live without.

Oh, we're halfway there. (oooohh! livin on a prayer) I know the rest of the semester is just gonna fly.

Come on baby. You and me. Lets hop on the ride. Together.

I will follow you into the dark

Haven't written in a while and I think this is exactly what I need to do.

One month later from last entry. Sad..the Harry Potter party from last entry was the last theatre party we had up til last night! Two this weekend. Only drank at one and got sick. That is never fun. But it was a pretty cool weekend! I'm glad too.

Time is flying by.. I guess. I mean I feel the weeks going fast but still.. not quite half way there yet. Ready to be. Clearly. In the past.. few days or so i've come to realize more things. About myself, about relationships, about everything. And where else to dump.. but here! The blog that no one reads unless I specifically send it to someone TO read. But here is where I can write. Be candid and honest because.. ta daa! No one reads it. So here goes..

There's a song. "I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. I've always liked that song and recently my director for Dark Play has had us listen to and start singing it. Because she likes it and wants to incorporate it into the play somehow. Awesome idea. But there's this line. A line that says this "I held my tounge as she told me, 'Son, fear is the heart of love' so I never went back." Now that line always intreguiged me. Fear is the heart of love. Fear..is the heart of love. Fear is the HEART of love. I mean what does that mean? And why did the writer of the song get so defensive about it? At first.. I agreed with him. To walk out after someone says something like that. Fear is the heart of love? That's sort of offensive. Is she saying that only cowards fall in love? But then I thought..and some stuff clicked in my head recently. I think I figured it out. And it all makes sense.

Fear is indeed the heart of love. Because those that are in love. Truly 100% in love.. fear. They fear that their heart is going to be broken. That they're going to fuck up and mess things up. And the big step in love is conquering that fear. Saying that its worth it to go all in. And the reason that the guy 'never came back' in the song.. is because he wasn't ready to face the fear. He wasn't ready to put himself really and truly out there. But he walked out convincing himself that it was because of my immediate thoughts. That cowards fall in love. But he knew.. and I know now.. that is not the story.

Personally, this is hitting at a wonderful time. I'm understanding that sometimes great love involves a great risk. Risking everything. Throwing your heart into a demolition derby ring looking through spread fingers as you're praying "Please.. please don't break it." But you have to throw it. Cause if you hold onto even a little bit. You're not there. You're not in it.

I think. For the first time. I'm there. And though it's scary as hell.. i'm glad.

Spin like a record crazy on a Sunday Night

Just updating to update. Not much to say! Besides the fact that this week has gone by dreadly slow. I have a feeling that will be the whole semester, eh?

Harry Potter party last night. Very fun! Dressed up as Devils Snare wore a lot of leaves and green. It was very very fun.

I need the pickup. I need the semester to start going. Go downhill, ya know?

Time to play guitar hero, bathe and go to rehearsal..

Forgot-a-post

Some thoughts bobbling in my head the past few days. They happened when I was feeling down so I think I threw them to the side a little bit but here. Some intense self-assesment..

Claims i've made about myself in past years:

I'm independent, I like being alone, I can do well on my own, I don't need a guy to make me happy, I am confident, I can be serious when need be, I like hogging the bed.

Recent things I've discovered about myself to prove those last statements false:

Independence is deceiving, I like being alone when I constitute WHEN I'm alone, I often times need encouragement or help doing things, I've lived a large chunk of my life with boys how do I know if I can be happy without them, I'm passive about my confidence- which doesn't really equal confidence at all, giggling is my self-defense mechanism, I need something or someone around me in bed.

These are not all bad things. Not at all. A lot just hit me about things I thought I knew. I always say I know myself the best. And honestly, I do. Of course every person knows themselves the best. But I think I've just mis-titled some of my characteristics. Posed under a name I liked better. It's so much easier to play up independence. Its strong and bold. But in reality? I'm heavily relient on other people. Which is totally okay. But why have I, for so long, been pretending otherwise?

You making my dreams come true

Heyyy i'm backk! Officially (well, how official can you be, right?) back to my normal human self again. Just started this shit at a time I just plain shouldn't have. But i'm okay now! Doing much better.

This semester is going to be a crazy train of good times. 2 shows, hokie ambassadors, 19 hours, all theatre classes, shakespeare up the wazooo and being with people that I love love.

We talk to the riva kids constantly. If they weren't 6 hours ahead than I wouldn't be surprised if hours were spent talking. I know some of this is immediate homesickness from them and people sickness from us but I hope we don't lose touch too much. I wouldn't like that very much!

I'm almost in the opposite side of birth control. Randomly i'll start laughing or i'll get really giddy during the day. I definitely like this better.

I'm gonna go rearrange my room. It needs to be done.

Farewell!